Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
How wrong was this guy?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”