When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner