ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
You Might Also Like
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.