I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned