if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!