A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
BaD BoY!!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.