I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend