I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.