*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Why font matters.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I can’t stop watching this.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.