People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.