interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
what’s really going on
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.