[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.