They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows