5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Good Morning.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]