Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying