Social distancing in Australia:
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station