My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.