A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.