A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
You had me at “define legal”.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.