The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
You Might Also Like
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.