If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
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It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me sliding into hell like
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.