*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
wishing you and yours all the best
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.