Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?