Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You Might Also Like
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK