Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
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I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Wait a minute
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well