I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn