the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.