I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows