Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.