1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Spring of Deception
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Hmm, not sure about this change
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.