[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?