HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.