I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.