Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
work smarter, not harder
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.