when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
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Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup