[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8