[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.