I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life