I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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I鈥檓 not saying that I鈥檇 summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I鈥檓 not ready to say that I wouldn鈥檛 either
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn鈥檛 want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I don鈥檛 moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latt茅?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister鈥檚 instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I鈥檓 goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I鈥檓 going to break it.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
At my 12yo鈥檚 school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed