So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like