The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Safety first