INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I saw nothing
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure