if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I put the p in pants.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult