Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.