Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”