“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Good boy 😂😂
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet