I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
You Might Also Like
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up