Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please