“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
This meal prepping shit is easy
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him