When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Dear Lord..
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.